From Bad to Worse: The Predictable Implosion of CNN+
Success, ‘tis said, yet more success begets–
On the prosperous rains ever more profits.
So reads the adage of the Gospel’s Jew:
The iron law, the Effect of Matthew.
“To him who has much, more will be given;
A yacht, a car, a mansion to live in!
From him who has less, though, all will be stripped,
By want afflicted, by poverty nipped;
To whose fearsome bite, he’ll no doubt succumb
For, to penury’s fangs, no one is numb”.
Against this harsh law, there’s no argument
Though it little allays the discontent
Of the poor. And to the poor, we must add
A “news” network so immeasurably bad
That a pauper, in coarse indigence clothed,
By all the world scorned and everyone loathed,
Would prefer to starve on scraps of stale crust
Than suffer a day with CNN+.
The streaming service, launched a month ago
Proved from the start inauspiciously slow
At gaining viewers. “What a shocking surprise!”–
Said no one with unclouded ears and eyes.
Why, for a fee, would you mindlessly watch
A pundit as bright as an unlit match?
A panel of experts whom you can’t trust?–
For such is the talent on CNN+.
Into this doomed venture, millions were sunk
By lusty Jeff Zucker, on his own power drunk;
Who, with an underling, had an affair
(A fine example by a network chair!)
For which, from his seat, he was promptly expelled
To the sound of which his career’s been knelled.
His replacement’s been named: Mr. Chris Licht–
A man stronger built, and less derelict.
Much of the blame has now fallen on Zucker
Once the recipient of vast corporate succor.
Don’t forget–CNN’s dad is Ted Turner
Whose filial bond is to the Brothers Warner.
Neither, on Zucker, was especially keen
Whose ouster has been anything but clean;
Who leaves, as he came, in ignominy,
The scoundrel of a shameful company.
At his behest, CNN plus was launched
With whose leave, ‘tis hoped, the bleeding’s been staunched.
But still, the network hemorrhages credit
And is trusted less than a thread on Reddit!
(Through which, for fun, I’d advise you to scroll
Who knows! You might just encounter a troll!
A sower of strife, of untruth, a peddler
Into all things an unscrupulous meddler!
He by whom misinformation is claimed
Wait…does not CNN do just the same?
Is one to be heeded, the other, scorned
When, in deceit, both are fully adorned?
Both are allergic to veracity
And sneeze at whiffs of legitimacy.
The trouble, though, is that one will pretend
To be, to candor, a devoted friend;
An ally of frank, disinterested truth
Conveyed by someone trustworthy and couth.
The other hides behind no such pretense
And inflicts on its viewer no like offense).
Remember–it wasn’t so long ago
The network proudly boasted Chris Cuomo
Whose brash journalistic misbehavior
Made him, to his trade, a baldfaced traitor.
Onto his show, he welcomed a brother
Whose scandals Chris refused to uncover:
Like the deaths of thousands of New York’s aged
Or the sex abuse in which he engaged.
(An approach to women, I’m sad to relate,
Chris, led by Andrew, did imitate).
Of all his misconduct, CNN tired
And, eventually, Chris Cuomo was fired.
We mustn’t, of course, forget Don Lemon
(A vain, mean, insufferable specimen!)
Who, in control of a platform so grand
Has neither wit nor style at his command.
Of meaningless tripe he every night speaks
As empty rhetoric flows out of his cheeks.
And worse! Other things fall out of his pants
At which even his fans can’t but look askance.
Some years ago, after fondling his part,
Rubbing the head that makes all men less smart,
He smeared on an innocent waiter’s face
The loathsome juice of that foul, nether place.
For this, by the man, the police were called
Yet one doubts Don’s deviance has been much stalled.
If, chaste reader, by that you’ve been sickened,
Your temperature raised, your heart rate quickened,
Your stomach up-turned, your nausea provoked
More illness, I fear, is soon to be stoked.
Let us recall a one Jeffery Toobin
Renowned for his great legal acumen;
His polished presence, upright and urbane
Erect as a proud cocksure weathervane.
Excuse, if you would, the crude innuendo!–
Such sordid expressions are far below
My taste. I confess, my tongue feels quite crude
When it deigns to talk of a man so lewd.
During a Zoom Call, in a lustful trice
He sought to indulge his solitary vice.
He pleasured himself, or so it is said,
Consulting with his less intelligent head.
Rubbing himself like a brute troglodyte
And giving his colleagues an awful fright;
Soiling their screens with his tumescent flesh
Which only grew more when they clicked, “refresh”.
Accuse me not of equivocating:
Toobin was seen to be masturbating!
There! I said it!–though it troubles my mind
To think with him, CNN’s still aligned.
And so, with that, as I move toward closing,
I ask of you the questions following:
What are we to make of such a network?
‘Round which every corner, two perverts lurk?
Whose staff is of virtues utterly bare
From its lead anchors, to its network chair?
An intemperate channel, laden by vice–
From whom we’re to take our news and advice?
No. CNN undeserves our regard;
Its reputation is burnt, frayed, and charred.
Yet still–it had the vain audacity
To branch off and start a new company
A “premiere service” with eyes on our purse
To fund a network that’s only got worse.
Now, like rubbish, laying dead in the dust
Is the aborted corpse of CNN+.
It scarce saw a month before it collapsed
To which we bid, CIAO!–why not? in all caps.